Tuesday, November 4, 2008

smells like spring

In spite of the leaves on the ground, it really smelled green and growing outside today. I worked all day with my office windows open. Refreshing.

Have you noticed people talk about the weather whan they have nothing to say?

I really can't shift my brain out of this TTC funk that's been hanging around for, oh let's see... 17 months now. It's still on my mind, every minute of every day. Last night, I refereed some girls' soccer games. I listened for their names, thinking I might hear one I'd want to use for my own child. I watched them run and wondered if I'll one day watch my own child run. I saw the proud smiles on the parents after the game ended and hoped that I'd be one of them some day. Being around children always makes me wonder about my future with my own children. Until recently, it was always a matter of when. When would I get pregnant? Will I have an autumn baby? Will he be healthy? Will I be a good mom?

Lately, I've been slipping into if. The certainty is gone. I'm still confident that something will eventually work. We're only at the very beginning of the trail of treatments available, and as far as we know I am perfectly healthy. Old, in reproductive terms only, but healthy. Every once in a while, though, at a particularly low moment, I fall into if. The child I see in my dreams blurs and that he may never exist permeates my thoughts.

Today's not a low day. We're a week away from another TWW. Lucky #18 is sitting on ice waiting for the digital smiley face to appear. I have my ducks in a row just in case this doesn't work, so November won't be the end of the road whether I get a BFP or not.

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