looking ahead

I will be so relieved to see the end of 2008. Nothing good has come of this year. C started the year laid off, and continued that way until mid-April. Almost as soon as he went back to work, his mother went into the hospital for what turned out to be the last time. We lost the month of June to grief and mourning, then spent July devastated to discover that C has no sperm. I had an optimistic month in August, when I naively believed that all we needed were donor sperm and an IUI to achieve our dream. September through November pulled me back to reality, and now December is just an obstacle blocking our path to a new year, new health insurance, and increasingly scientific attempts to conceive.

And today, I couldn't turn the key in the ignition. Apparently, there's some issue with Ford and Buick ignitions from 2003. After a time, the ignition pins don't drop around the key like they're supposed to. The first time it happened, well over a year ago, the tow truck driver who responded simply tapped the key with a chock block and, miraculously, it turned. Since then, I almost always have had to smack the key with varying degrees of force to make it turn. I've had to smack it harder and more often as time passed. Then, this morning, I spent about 10 minutes whacking the key with the heel of my gym shoes before it finally gave. Of course, I was not home when this happened, and I forgot my cell phone, and it was raining cats and dogs, and I was late for work. The dealer wants between $350 and $450 to fix it. I want to cry. If I had that much money, I'd be spending it on health insurance, dammit! Some days, it feels like there's just no way to catch up, let alone get ahead.

Maybe it was just all the humidity, and when the rain stops the key will not be so persnickety. Then I won't need to fix it for a while.