and so it goes

Very mixed emotions today as I made it back to the MW office for the second IUI of this cycle. Eager optimism, which I felt the first try or two, has given way to resignation. This is just another hurdle to overcome on the path toward having a baby. Whether it works or not, we'll see. And I feel today as if I have no stock in the outcome of this particular cycle. It's an odd sort of detachment that I haven't felt in any other TWW before this one. It may not last. After all, the TWW just started today.

I was also a bit annoyed with the MW office today. Yesterday, I could understand when I had to wait 30 minutes for them to take me in, then another 25 while I sat half-naked in the exam room. After all, I was a last-minute "I need an insem today!" appointment, so I wasn't really part of the day's schedule. Today, I had an appointment, an assigned time slot which I was expected to be on time for. And I was, right on time. Just in time to sit in the waiting room for over 45 minutes, with nary an explanation, followed by 20 minutes in the exam room. How long do they think it takes me to disrobe from the waist down? At least I didn't park in the pay lot today.

That said, the MW was her usual wonderful self. She was saddened to see me back for another cycle, and seems sincerely to want an update, whether it's a pregnancy announcement in a month or just a message to let her know I've moved on to IVF. I let everyone know this was my last visit to their office. They've really been helpful and kind and never let what could have been an awkward situation feel anything but normal. But they don't do anything with respect to treating infertility (aside from IUI/ICIs), so I need to look elsewhere for the additional help that we apparently need. The MWs are also fairly far out of the way, an hour from my office when the traffic isn't hell.

So, in addition to the detachment, I feel some trepidation and kind of like I am starting out at zero again. I need to find a good doctor (I think I did, but I need to see if she's taking new patients and when she can squeeze me in... hopefully early December to start). I'll need to explain the situation to new people who haven't heard our story before. I'll be dealing with new insurance and hoping not to be taken advantage of. I'll need to undergo all sorts of tests to make sure I'm a viable IVF candidate. We'll need to select yet another donor, this time looking for one who has ART specimens available (although I think they can use pretty much any category of specimen for IVF- need to check on that). Maybe we can keep lucky #18? Maybe #18 isn't as lucky as I believed.

Then again, I believe this is our 18th cycle of trying. I am going to POAS on the 18th, even though that's a few days (OK, more like a week) too early to learn anything conclusive. I want to believe that this is our month. But I feel that detachment that I mentioned. Self-protective denial, perhaps? I need to stop overthinking everything. This may be the longest TWW yet, especially with NaBloPoMo, which, even though I missed a day already, I've decided to try to complete in spite of myself.