I'm having a hard time believing I'm pregnant. Aside from a few pee-sticks and a call from a nurse, there's no evidence. Sure, I have a bit of a gut, but that's as likely to be leftover from the mild-moderate OHSS as it is to be pregnancy related. Besides, no one develops a bump at 4 1/2 weeks. I'm probably just pudgy from prolonged inactivity during an IVF cycle.
I'm an empirically-driven person. I might sort of believe something I can't see, but I want as much evidence as I can get my hands on before I'll fully commit. Even then, evidence can be misinterpreted. I struggled in high school physics after my first philosophy class, where we read Plato's Cave Metaphor from "The Republic." Gravity, you say? Prove it! Time and space? Human constructs. They don't exist as absolutes. (I still love The Cave. It was honestly one of the most influential pieces I've ever read in my life and I can't imagine who I'd be today if I hadn't read it at 17.)
I'd really like something internal to signal that a life is growing inside me. Some sensation I've never felt before that I can point to and say, "when I felt ____, I knew I was pregnant." I know there's plenty of time to develop symptoms, and I'll (hopefully) be whining about them soon enough. But if these first weeks are all I ever get (dear God, please let that not be the case), I want something to make this time in my life unique and special.
I'm waiting for a call from the nurse with today's beta#2 result. A good number will mean so much. But I'd like to FEEL something too (besides all the fantastic emotions that well up whenever I remind myself that I am, at this moment, pregnant).
I'm an ogre for complaining. I'm truly lucky to be having a beta#2; lucky to have reached this point. I'm grateful, really. I'm just having a hard time believing the pee sticks and Thursday's beta.
4 years ago