Monday, July 20, 2009

fact or fiction

I'm having a hard time believing I'm pregnant. Aside from a few pee-sticks and a call from a nurse, there's no evidence. Sure, I have a bit of a gut, but that's as likely to be leftover from the mild-moderate OHSS as it is to be pregnancy related. Besides, no one develops a bump at 4 1/2 weeks. I'm probably just pudgy from prolonged inactivity during an IVF cycle.

I'm an empirically-driven person. I might sort of believe something I can't see, but I want as much evidence as I can get my hands on before I'll fully commit. Even then, evidence can be misinterpreted. I struggled in high school physics after my first philosophy class, where we read Plato's Cave Metaphor from "The Republic." Gravity, you say? Prove it! Time and space? Human constructs. They don't exist as absolutes. (I still love The Cave. It was honestly one of the most influential pieces I've ever read in my life and I can't imagine who I'd be today if I hadn't read it at 17.)

I'd really like something internal to signal that a life is growing inside me. Some sensation I've never felt before that I can point to and say, "when I felt ____, I knew I was pregnant." I know there's plenty of time to develop symptoms, and I'll (hopefully) be whining about them soon enough. But if these first weeks are all I ever get (dear God, please let that not be the case), I want something to make this time in my life unique and special.

I'm waiting for a call from the nurse with today's beta#2 result. A good number will mean so much. But I'd like to FEEL something too (besides all the fantastic emotions that well up whenever I remind myself that I am, at this moment, pregnant).

I'm an ogre for complaining. I'm truly lucky to be having a beta#2; lucky to have reached this point. I'm grateful, really. I'm just having a hard time believing the pee sticks and Thursday's beta.


Melissa said...

I've had 2 ultrasounds,have had pregnancy symptoms and still don't think I'm pregnant. It's the weirdest feeling during the ultrasounds, my brain simply can't wrap itself around the idea that what is happening on the screen is a reflection of what is going on inside me. Let me know what triggers it for you as I would love to start believing it myself :)

Jules said...

Good luck with beta #2 - nothing wrong with relying on HPTs until that comes back. I felt fairly at ease with the HPTs continually getting just a bit darker day by day.

And enjoy a few days of symptom free pregnancy (hard to do, but at least for now you're not stuck in the bathroom) :)

IrishNYC said...

I know exactly what you mean. I didn't believe the plethora of pee sticks, or even the first two ultrasounds. hell, I'm at 37 weeks now, and still don't believe it sometimes! I don't think I'm going to completely believe it until I see my baby.

Elise said...

I hear you. I had a lot of cramping and bloating for a week or two but that seems to be gone now and I'm paranoid it means "something bad." I feel like calling up the clinic and asking for another beta just to relieve my stress, but I doubt they'll go for it.

Hang in there!