Monday, June 15, 2009

is it me or is it lupron?

I thought I was experiencing hot flashes in my sleep on Friday night, after my first dose, but them C told me it was just a really warm stuffy night. It wasn't the lupron, it was the weather.

I've been losing words since Friday. This morning, it was "insecure." I knew there was a word, and it had something to do with confidence, but it wasn't "self esteem." I relaxed my no alcohol habit this weekend, at a wedding on Saturday and again yesterday afternoon when I was hanging out with an old friend. I probably drank more in two days than I have in the last year. So, my vocabulary troubles... it's not the lupron, it's the drain bamage.

I had a breakdown on Saturday, at the wedding reception. I was proud of myself for holding it together when a noticeably pregnant bridesmaid marched up the aisle. We just went to her wedding a year ago, and here she is carrying the couple's first child (I later learned that this is actually #3 and they endured 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy). I had a lump in my throat when the priest repeatedly mentioned the bride and groom's willingness to accept children if they were so-blessed by God. No tears though. Then, at the reception, we were seated beside the dance floor and C's nephew danced with his big sister. He's 7 and she's 25. It was beautiful, but it somehow hit a nerve. I sobbed into C's sleeve. I couldn't stop, but I couldn't explain why I was crying. Was it pent up emotions from holding it together all day, from the accumulated frustration of IF, or was it the lupron? I just don't know.

Anyhow, I've yet to notice any "real" side effects of the lupron. It's only day #4, so the suppressive affect likely hasn't begun yet. Maybe the true side effects come later, when the usual hormones are absent. We'll see. I'm thankful there are no more weddings on our social calendar this summer.

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