the official BFN

I knew it was coming, but it hurts any way. I was so certain, I quit the estrace and crinone as of last night. Still, when I got off the phone with the nurse, I needed a few minutes alone in the bathroom. I should invest in some waterproof mascara.

The second hardest part of this moment is not knowing what comes next. I have no plan. I need something to look forward to- not like a vacation or big event. Just a plan. Some iota of control. Something I can DO.

The doctors and embryologists gather each Wednesday to review BFNs and to map out a plan for each person's next cycle. My file might not make tomorrow's review because my BFN is so recent, but the nurses told me I'm off the bus for this cycle anyhow as my body recovers from the prescriptions and procedures. I have an appointment with the RE on May 7th, but if they review my file either tomorrow or next Wednesday, I'll be rescheduled for an earlier consult.

Meanwhile, I'll resume charting. I can go to the gym again, and maybe lose some of this IF weight.

I'm not OK with this. But I am OK.