Almost second-guessing myself.

No AF yet. Only the preamble, which has been around, off and on, since Sunday. I was so certain AF was going to arrive last night that I "celebrated" twice- caffeinated coffee in the afternoon, and a big glass of wine with dinner. I regret the caffeine. My body just isn't used to it any more. Within about 25 minutes, I was jittery and hot, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I slept horribly last night and blame it entirely on evil caffeine. Regardless of my reproductive plans, I think I am done with caffeine for good. The wine, on the other hand, was lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The rest of the bottle is in the fridge, just waiting for AF to arrive and blast all doubt from my mind so I can toast to the next cycle.

It's CD32 now. Still preambling, so I remain certain that AF is only hours away. But I've believed that for three days now, and my BFN was too early to be taken seriously. Could I be completely misreading my body? I really don't believe so, and even if I thought I could be that mistaken, I refuse to buy another HPT. Either AF will arrive over the weekend, or I'll visit the RE for a beta on Monday. I'm not even mentioning AF to C. I don't want to get his hopes up.

One of the big things I think we miss in dealing with IF is the chance to truly surprise our spouses with the big news. I used to imagine buying C a card for whatever holiday was near; a card from a child to "Daddy," so I could give it to him and watch him react to the news the card would imply. I think maybe that's why, when we do finally become pregnant, I don't want to know our baby's gender until we meet her/him face to face. I still want some element of joyous surprise in this process that has become so regimented and clinical.