Friday, February 20, 2009

Almost second-guessing myself.

No AF yet. Only the preamble, which has been around, off and on, since Sunday. I was so certain AF was going to arrive last night that I "celebrated" twice- caffeinated coffee in the afternoon, and a big glass of wine with dinner. I regret the caffeine. My body just isn't used to it any more. Within about 25 minutes, I was jittery and hot, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I slept horribly last night and blame it entirely on evil caffeine. Regardless of my reproductive plans, I think I am done with caffeine for good. The wine, on the other hand, was lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The rest of the bottle is in the fridge, just waiting for AF to arrive and blast all doubt from my mind so I can toast to the next cycle.

It's CD32 now. Still preambling, so I remain certain that AF is only hours away. But I've believed that for three days now, and my BFN was too early to be taken seriously. Could I be completely misreading my body? I really don't believe so, and even if I thought I could be that mistaken, I refuse to buy another HPT. Either AF will arrive over the weekend, or I'll visit the RE for a beta on Monday. I'm not even mentioning AF to C. I don't want to get his hopes up.

One of the big things I think we miss in dealing with IF is the chance to truly surprise our spouses with the big news. I used to imagine buying C a card for whatever holiday was near; a card from a child to "Daddy," so I could give it to him and watch him react to the news the card would imply. I think maybe that's why, when we do finally become pregnant, I don't want to know our baby's gender until we meet her/him face to face. I still want some element of joyous surprise in this process that has become so regimented and clinical.

2 comments:

Clio said...

I don't blame you for missing the element of surprise in the middle of all of this.
definitely there's little room for being sponteneous in my life right now too.
Maybe you should try a different doctor. sorry you had a bad experience with a male doctor before. I'm the opposite... I can't bring myself to be intimately examined by a woman...
anyway, I'm starting an IUI cycle tomorrow. But with injectable stims. I had a failed IVF in december and now we are trying a more simple route that we are hoping can help us out with less needles involved.
I'll be checking back to see how you're doing.

Nic said...

I hope you are reading the signs wrong! Keeping fingers crossed