Thursday, February 4, 2010

I am selfish and pathetic

As I mentioned quite a while ago, my MIL and sisters-in-law threw my bridal shower before C and I got married. I don't believe it occurred to my mother to throw the shower, and she didn't help with the planning or anything else. As far as whom to invite, my MIL simply sent an invitation to every female on the guest list. My mother isn't rude or negtlectful or anything like that. She simply doesn't seem to understand social norms with respect to that sort of celebration. It really never occurred to her that she might be expected to throw a party to celebrate her daughter's upcoming wedding. Well, not so much "expected" to do it, but that she should want to, or should at least consider it.

Here we are now, 7 weeks before we expect to meet Ishkabibble. Traditionally, a baby shower is thrown 1-2 months before the due date by either close friends of the mom-to-be or by her sister or mother. My closest friends live pretty far away... NJ and TX as a matter of fact. My sister is in FL (and as socially clueless as my mother). I do have local friends, mostly the wives of C's friends as well as my sisters-in-law.

I don't believe a shower is in the works for me. I haven't heard a peep from anyone about a shower. No one has asked when I'm free. No one has asked who I'd like to invite. A few people asked if we'd registered anywhere, and I know my father and his sister (my godmother) went on a shoppping spree at BRU, but at this point it seems fairly clear that there will be no organized party to celebrate the biggest event of our lives. I'm disappointed.

Just writing that, I had to hide in the bathroom, twice, to blot at my eyes and blow my nose because I'm crying like a pathetic simp over a party I already predicted would not happen. I thought I was OK with that. Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe I'm really not OK with it. I just don't know. Right now, though, I know that I DO want to have that recognition of our milestone. I was invited last year to a baby shower for a teenager who got knocked up by her boyfriend in their senior year. It was unplanned, but it was celebrated. And here we are, with one of the most non-unplanned pregnancies possible, after years of stress and frustration and sadness and a mountain of debt, with no celebration planned.

Yeah, pathetic. I don't understand why it bothers me so. I'd be tempted to throw my own baby shower, except that would be publicly pathetic and I like to keep this side of myself discreetly hidden. So, I'll sneak back to the bathroom to un-redden my eyes and go about the next 7 weeks as though it really doesn't matter.


sprogblogger said...

You are NOT selfish and pathetic. You are entitled to feeling just the way you do - and I rather suspect I'm going to be in exactly the same place you are in another few months, far from home and best friends, and wishing some female family-member understood how much I want to CELEBRATE this miracle. (And I think our moms come from the same planet!)

I've given some thought to this for my own situation and seriously? Throw your own party. You don't even have to use the word 'shower' if you don't want to, but throw the party. This isn't the hidebound fifties anymore, and people throw birthday parties for themselves all the time - why shouldn't we throw an I'm having a MUCH-WANTED BABY!!! party? People will not care who issues the invitation, they'll likely just be thrilled to get to celebrate something so purely GOOD with you.

BB said...

Oh hon... so sorry for this situation! I know you don't wanna do this, but you could organize a couples party, and not necessairily a traditional baby shower to celebrate this special occassion.

meggo said...

I wonder if it would be a good idea to casually mention if a baby shower will be thrown?

Say something like, "My friends in the neighborhood/at work/at church/whatever want to throw me a baby shower, and so does DH's family. We're trying to find a weekend a that works for us, but I wanted to check with you to see if there's a...ahem... weekend I need to leave clear before we schedule these??"

I don't know, something like that. I do think it might be helpful to confront her in a nonconfrontational, casual way. People can be really hurtful and dense without meaning to... I don't know your mom/family, but you never know, they might have something up their sleeve already... or they might feel extremely guilty for letting that detail slip their mind. Just my $.02, take or leave. GL!!

sarah said...

I wish i could throw you a shower! I think we infertile gals really really look forward to those things because they are part of the package, and because they are part of the milestone, and we sat through everyone elses! I'm sorry your mom is clueless.

sarah said...

Everyone deserves a baby shower, and if your mother is too clueless to do it, tell her to do it!

Wendy said...

I TOTALLY 100% agree with sprogblogger! Throw your own party and celebrate this baby!

I also live far away from family, so I get the distance thing...and after fighting for 2 yrs to get pregnant, I think I have "fantasized" about my baby shower more than I ever did about my wedding as a little girl. I wanted it more.

I'm throwing my own party. It's a couples party, but I'm flat out calling it a baby shower. No apologies. I will make the boys compete downing a beer from a bottle, and set up a station where people will try to guess the baby food like a "Top Chef" style quickfire challenge. I will have lots of alcohol.

You can say "no gifts" if you are uncomfortable that people think you are "asking"...but all my friends here are older and are THRILLED to bring a little something to celebrate, so I didn't even do that. I'm making all the food myself and decorating the house to the nines.

SB is ABSOLUTELY right! Your friends/family will just be thrilled to celebrate with you!

IrishNYC said...

I wish I could throw you a shower, too! I'm sorry your mom doesn't get it. (And your sister too.) You'd think they'd be happy for you and want to celebrate.

I'd love to send you something too.