Wednesday, August 12, 2009

not much to say

I have a hard time thinking of things to say just now, in light of Sprogblogger's and Mo and Will's recent losses. I feel like the unworthy winner of some really big, life-altering prize. I did nothing to earn this or to deserve it any more than they did. And any minute now, this pregnancy could be taken away. I have an u/s scheduled for tomorrow morning, at precisely the 8-week mark. I hope to clearly see the heartbeat again, and to learn that little Ishka has caught up with expectations after measuring a day behind at the first u/s.

I had toyed with the thought of telling a few more people if tomorrow goes well, but that was before I heard about Susan and Mo & Will. They were farther along than I am. I'm older than they are. We're not telling anyone else until Labor Day, at the earliest. I'll be a few days short of 12 weeks at that point. I guess there's really no point at which this becomes a sure thing, but the longer I'm pregnant, the more attached I become to this life growing inside me and the more support we'll need to handle a loss.

But, that's enough dwelling on the bad side of what-if. This might work. I'm still enjoying constant morning-sickness. Not the earth-shattering kind. I just feel like I'm going through the longest hangover I've ever had. Food in general is not at all appealing, but I only feel normal while eating. I haven't the patience nor the stomach to actually cook anything, so I filled the freezer with frozen meals. I realize now why I never bought saltines before- I just don't like them, but I've munched them dutifully when the thought of popping another preggie pop drop in my mouth was more unsettling than the flavorless crunch of the cracker. I ordered a variety of ginger candies, which should have arrived yesterday, but FedEx has no record of picking up the shipment so who knows when I'll actually see them. I sent a pathetic appeal for expedited shipping to the company yesterday, explaining that morning sickness + pregnancy hormones = me crying when there was no package for me. They haven't responded. (Just checked FedEx- the package was finally picked up and should be delivered next week... I guess my appeal fell on deaf ears.)

And to end on a truly positive note, IrishNYC gave birth to a beautiful, red-headed baby girl last Thursday. This does sometimes work. IFfers do sometimes see dreams come true.


Eileen said...

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my last baby at 10 weeks in April, so I feel like I cannot even get excited about this pregnancy. I don't know if I will ever relax. It's too bad that something that should be such a joyous time for us, is instead so incredibly stressful. Good luck with the u/s. I can't wait to see pics!

piecesofgray said...

I'm holding very good thoughts for you and this pregnancy. It's hard to let go and "be" but try your best to stay positive. You deserve to enjoy every moment.

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

Fingers crossed!

Anonymous said...

so glad you're 'feeling' the pregnancy!

I'm at almost 11 weeks (right in between where Sprog and mo&will were) and hear exactly what you're saying.

But. We've been through so much to get here. It seems silly to not take these hard-earned happy times and enjoy them with the same attention that we've had to live the very sad times.

Hopefully very soon those dealing with this IF nonsense will have their own happy times to enjoy. For now, I'll try enjoy it and bring them hope and know that they'll have their own chance, too, one way or another. I really hope it is soon.

IrishNYC said...

Like Anon, it took so long to get to where we did, we couldn't wait to share our news. I'm not sure the pee stick was dry before I was dying to tell the world.

However, I do understand hesitance to say anything. I have nothing but good thoughts for you.