waiting

I've been useless for nearly two weeks. I can't stop wondering if this is our month to conceive. I spent a couple of days reading Maybe Baby from start to present (there is no "finish" in real life), and now I am wondering if our next step should be straight to IVF before we waste any more of our precious, dwindling resources on IUI's. We're bordering on fiscal crisis. The clock is ticking louder every day. Why do we want this so much? Do we want this enough to go through more of the expense and the agony of another TWW, and another, and another... until we either succeed or some callous health "professional" deems me too old to be a viable candidate for any fertility treatment? If I switch to new health insurance that's covered by the state mandate for fertility coverage, will IVF be included?

For about 45 minutes this morning, I was convinced that I am definitely not pregnant and I couldn't stop crying. I don't feel any symptoms. None. Nada. But I don't want to think about it, yet I can't stop. Nothing else matters right now.

It's hard not to feel as though I need to make all of our most life-altering decisions right now. How much debt can we handle? What if we succeed, and then can't afford to raise our child? Which do I value more- the prospect of getting pregnant, or my excellent credit rating (which is slipping fast as my debt-to-income ratio grows)?

Every blog seems to end with a baby, but so many took years and years of TWW's to get there. I don't have years left. I think we're approaching the point where C and I will need to ask for help, but no one has money to spare, especially on something as frivolous as a child. How do you argue convincingly that you need this?

For the next few days, I need to stop thinking about fertility. I can pee on a stick on Friday and the results will be credible because it'll be CD30 & 14dpi. Until then, there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait. And remember to breathe.