Friday, May 15, 2009

inward

We're invited to a friend's daughter's birthday party this weekend. The friend has a cousin who reversed his vasectomy when he married his current wife. TTC wasn't easy for them, but now they're pregnant after a successful IVF. They'll be at the party. I don't want to go. I hardly know these people. I don't want to hear about their difficulties (gut reaction = dammit- he had a vesectomy! He was DONE having kids. He did this to himself!). I do feel empathy for this couple. I'm really not a heartless, self-centered bitch. I'm happy for them. But I envision the party being like a set-up... we'll somehow end up sitting together and everyone else will drift away so we can "talk about what we have in common." Sorry- I've been with C for five years and we've had plenty of opportunities to socialize with this couple. If we weren't close enough to pal around with them before, we still aren't and I don't feel comfortable swapping TTC stories with them.

Lately, I've found myself keeping our IF and TTC travails a little closer to the chest. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. If C has to work on the day of our next ER, I'll drive myself in and he can pick me up on his way home from work. I cringe at the thought of involving anyone else; of having to explain what's going on and how I'm feeling and how hopeful but guarded I am; of hearing the ignorant platitudes that do nothing but make my skin crawl. I especially don't want anyone but C by my side while I wait and recover.

I'd kind of like to disappear for a while and not come back to this world with people in it until we're pregnant enough to share the news with the whole world... say around 25 weeks. Instead, once we have a more concrete timeline, I'll schedule a vacation to coincide with the first half of the TWW so I can essentially hide under a rock for a while.

4 comments:

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I feel you on this.. I don't share my TTC stuf with hardly anyone.. Just a "few" family members that completly support & encourge me:) I'm very bless to have them.

I'm a very private person and don't won't everyone to know about someting that causes me so much pain.. if more people knew it would only be worse on me...

Hope you have a great day!!

Hugs,
Hannah

IrishNYC said...

I know just how you feel about not wanting to go. We gave up going to all but our niece and nephew's birthday parties while we struggled. It was just too hard. The final straw was at a friend's son's first birthday. We were the only couple without a child there, and we didn't know anyone else. After the umpteenth time being asked "which kid is yours?" we finally left with me in tears.

Hang in there. It'll happen.

That girl said...

My counsellor always told me not to be too hard on myself about going out and being sociable. If you don't feel like socialising, and want to hide a way while you go through this, you should definitely give yourself a break and just do only what you feel comfortable with. Normal life will resume again some time soon.

Astrid said...

I loved this post. I feel the same way lately. I don't want to be around people or talk about this or see anyone else's pregnant bellies or babies until I have some assurance that I will be there soon too. I cried after a bbq recently where we found out some friends of ours were pg. And I couldn't bring myself to open the birth announcement I got in the mail yesterday from another friend. I just want to hole myself up until it's over. Good luck w/ the upcoming cycle.