now I know what day it is

The MW called in the prescription last night, and my body has informed me of exactly what day it is, so we now begin the countdown to DI #3, the first medicated attempt. The good news is that C and I are taking a weekend trip to the western part of the state and I'll be able to enjoy some alcohol if the mood strikes. My favorite brewery is not exactly on the way to any of our scheduled destinations (niece's cross country meet, Mass MoCA, the Norman Rockwell museum), but it's near enough that we may end up there for an early dinner tomorrow. Since the last time I visited, I think Berkshire Brewing Company has added a brew-pub to their facilities. And they're right around the corner from the Yankee Candle ex-factory (the factory used to be there, but then the tourist-trap retail side of the business exploded and the factory moved a few miles down the road) so we may go sniff around a bit. I'd move back to the Happy Valley in a heartbeat if I could land a decent job there.

Well, maybe in a bit more then a heartbeat... I have a mortgage I'd have to pawn off on someone else first.

Anyhow- have a great weekend, world.

what day is it?

I thought I was on CD1 on Tuesday. AF was here. But then she wasn't. And then she came back, but didn't stay. And now she might be here, but is she staying? I'm hoping for a prescription for Cl0mid, but how's that going to work if I don't even know what day it is? And why is my predictable body running two days late (or more) this cycle? I've been charting for seven months and once had a 29-day cycle, but never a 30.

If AF isn't really here by tomorrow afternoon, I might have to pick up a HPT after work. Wouldn't it be funny if I didn't need to spend all that money I shelled out yesterday for 4 vials from a new donor? That would be the best money I ever spent if I somehow jinxed myself into being PG.

I really believe I'm NOT preggers. Not even close. But this here-then-gone AF has me wondering. I should reset the ticker... but not until I know what day it really is.

lucky number 18

I've always had a thing for the number 18. And in situations that don't add up to 18, I settle for 9. I used to think it was because 18 is the age at which one becomes an adult, legally-speaking. The age of independence. Old enough to vote. Old enough to buy cigarettes and adult magazines (not that I ever did- but at least no one could stop me because of my age). But 18 has long since passed, and I still like the number enough to include it in every lotto ticket I've ever bought. No, I haven't won anything, but that's as easily blamed on the rest of the numbers as on lucky-18.

In college, I mysteriously decided that I would one day marry a lefty. I have no idea where that came from, but I was convinced. I even called a guy I had a crush on, under the pretense of conducting a survey to determine if the honors student population contained an unusual proportion of lefties. He wasn't a lefty. The crush didn't last, but I don't believe that had anything to do with his handedness.

And then I met C. He's learned to do most things with his right hand because his parents insisted that it was wrong to write/eat/throw with the left hand, but he's definitely a lefty. [He finally got his first lefty baseball glove last spring- he was as excited as a little kid!] And guess when his birthday is... the 18th!! Maybe I really knew something when I got stuck on 18 and lefties.

Anyhow, we picked our next donor and there's an 18 in his ID number. He isn't left-handed, but I am encouraged by the 18. The bank had pre-washed specimens available, AND he's an "open" donor. I think we owe our kids the chance to find out where half their genes came from. We switched to a much bigger bank, so there were a lot more choices available. I placed the order today, and I hope our families will understand the lack of Christmas presents this year.

C'mon, lucky 18!!

CD1- I am very sad today

I thought I was ready to handle another CD1, but I'm not. I have no idea why we have not conceived, and there is nothing I can do to "fix" things for the next attempt. So why bother. What's the point? Why should I hope to conceive on the next try? Why should I spend thousands of dollars when no one can tell me why we haven't succeeded already?

The economy sucks. Our house is worth less than we paid for it. C will probably be laid off again this winter. It never snows any more, so the truck we bought will be a drain on our finances, not earning its keep by plowing. I am stuck in a job where I am overpaid for what I do, and my resume atrophies a little more every day. I can't leave because no one will pay me as much to do a similar job, and it's looking more and more improbable that I'll ever be promoted. I'm at the top of my salary grade, so my annual raises won't even keep up with inflation. Ice cream boxes are 12.5% smaller than they were 3 months ago, for the same price. And I want to spend another $2,000 on the unfounded hope that the next IUI will work. Again, why bother?

Because I have always wanted, more than anything, to have children, to be a mom, to witness someone's life from its very beginning, to love, to teach, to nurture, to protect, to be responsible for someone's existence and happiness.

And today, it feels like it'll never happen and the money we don't have that we're spending will lead to nothing more than a bad credit score and a gaping hole in my heart.

I am sad today.

Correction- TWW #16!

Let's see, we started tryng in June 2007, and didn't know until June 2008 that our efforts would never amount to anything. So that was a whole year of TWWs. So really, before I started the whole DI thing, I racked up about 16 TWWs. True, this is DI-TWW #2, but I've been spending half of my life in the TWW for over a year.

Ergo, I've paid some dues, and should be rewarded soon. Right?

7DPI... no "signs"

But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I refuse to be down about this process already. If the insem was successful, we wouldn't know for certain for another week or 10 days, so until then I will simply hope for the best.

If no such luck this time, we have some real thinking to do. Massachusetts does have a state mandate regarding health insurance covering infertility treatment. But, we learned the hard way that union-provided health insurance is exempt from the state mandate. Can you guess where we get our health insurance? Yup- through C's union. So, everything thus far has been paid out-of-pocket. We're not a wealthy pair, but as long as we're both working we can pay back the loan in a year or so. The trouble is that after two unsuccessful double-insems, and considering my age (40 1/2), it's time to seriously consider a little medical intervention. Do we shell out the bucks for more donor-sperm and a cycle of Cl0mid? Or do we wait until January and switch to the health insurance offered by my employer, which isn't exempt from the mandate? I think that even with some sort of infertility coverage, we still have to buy the sperm ourselves, and that, so far, is the most expensive piece of the puzzle. But if serious medical intervention becomes necessary to produce a pregnancy, it would be nice to have at least some of it covered.

On top of that, we'll need to rethink our donor choice. No reported pregnancies. Only unwashed samples are available, and the MW has now informed me that thawing AND washing them depletes the viable population, whicle washing before freezing has less impact. But it was tough finding a donor we liked who was available, so adding this new criteria will limit our choices even further. Why have we not gotten pregnant? Is it me, or is it the donor?

In any case, we're taking the TWW off from making decisions about donors and doctors. I need to go drink some pineapple juice and take my vitamins anyhow.

Here we go again... TWW#2

It's 1 DPI, or two, depending on whether I count from the first one or the second. In any case, inseminations were done yesterday and the day before after a +OPK on Tuesday afternoon. My BBT hasn't spiked yet, though, and the OPK was two days later than expected, so I don't know what's going on with my body this cycle. I guess we'll know in a couple of weeks.

What's different this time?
1. I bought a digital OPK. It's a lot less subjective; there's either a smiley face or a big fat zero. No more comparing two lines, trying to tell if one's as dark as or darker than the other. Maybe I mistimed the IUIs in round #1. Maybe I only imagined that the line was dark.
2. Inseminations on CD16 & CD17, a full two days later than last cycle. The OPK turned positive at 4 in the afternoon (I took to testing twice each day, CD13 until positive) on CD15- too late to schedule an insem for the same day. It was negative at 5 that morning.
3. One IUI on CD16, then an ICI on CD17. The midwife who did the IUI suggested that there would be more viable swimmers if they were just thawed instead of thawed AND washed. It seems counterintuitive to do that on the later insem, but she's the one with experience so I decided to give it a try.
4. Pineapple juice. Every day. I read in multiple places online that pineapple promotes thickening of the lining of the uterus, increasing the chances for implantation. So I bought a case of small cans and have been downing 1 or two daily. If nothing else, I'm getting plenty of iron and vitaims A, C, and E.
5. I took three days off from work this week to make sure I was relaxed and well-rested for the insems. Of course, my timing was off, so I had to split almost as soon as I returned to work on Thursday morning ("Hi- now that I'm back, I just need to leave in about 45 minutes. I'll be back by 3!"). I also did it to avoid having to explain my midday absences to anyone.

I'll know in about 10 days whether or not these changes had an impact. I hope so. We'd be due in June... Father's Day, perhaps?