Tuesday, September 23, 2008

CD1- I am very sad today

I thought I was ready to handle another CD1, but I'm not. I have no idea why we have not conceived, and there is nothing I can do to "fix" things for the next attempt. So why bother. What's the point? Why should I hope to conceive on the next try? Why should I spend thousands of dollars when no one can tell me why we haven't succeeded already?

The economy sucks. Our house is worth less than we paid for it. C will probably be laid off again this winter. It never snows any more, so the truck we bought will be a drain on our finances, not earning its keep by plowing. I am stuck in a job where I am overpaid for what I do, and my resume atrophies a little more every day. I can't leave because no one will pay me as much to do a similar job, and it's looking more and more improbable that I'll ever be promoted. I'm at the top of my salary grade, so my annual raises won't even keep up with inflation. Ice cream boxes are 12.5% smaller than they were 3 months ago, for the same price. And I want to spend another $2,000 on the unfounded hope that the next IUI will work. Again, why bother?

Because I have always wanted, more than anything, to have children, to be a mom, to witness someone's life from its very beginning, to love, to teach, to nurture, to protect, to be responsible for someone's existence and happiness.

And today, it feels like it'll never happen and the money we don't have that we're spending will lead to nothing more than a bad credit score and a gaping hole in my heart.

I am sad today.

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