Positivity

Happy news greeted me today when I logged onto the computer- the ladies at The Chronicles of Conception finally met their baby boy, Lachlan Grae! I've seen very few instances where IUI/ICIs actually worked, and they're one. When I first "met" Tiff and Karli, they were already a few months along. Their success fed my resolve to give IUIs a chance, even after the first (and second, and third, and finally... fourth) did not work for me. I was reassured by knowing the procedure had worked for someone.

One more day left in 2008, and then we're all new in 2009. I can't wait! I have never been so eager for a new year to begin.

is it 2009 yet?

Hello world. I've been excitedly reading all the cycle sista blogs for Nov/Dec and found quite a few BFPs this month. Congratulations to those wonderful ladies, and thank you all for sharing your journey with me. I admit that I'm kind of jealous, but it really does offer hope that this process can, and often does, succeed. I appreciate the insights you've all provided regarding the various drugs associated with IVF and how best to administer them. Back in July (it feels so long ago. Could it really be just 6 months?) when C and I first learned why we hadn't conceived on our own, I felt naive and alone. Sure, there are people in my life I could talk to about IF, but they haven't actually dealt with it first-hand. This blogging community has given me not only information but a sense of camaraderie and belonging that have eased my mind considerably.

So, am I next? My RE appointment is now only 15 days away. I discovered that, in the absence of sperm, my body really does revert to its pre-IUI 28-day cycle. This small detail makes me happy because it means that I'll be on CD15 for my appointment. I know there is essentially a whole cycle's worth of tests to be done before we move on to actual procedures, but having a shorter cycle and being closer to the start of the next one seem like they might move things along a little quicker. This new insurance of mine is expensive (cheaper than donor sperm, though!), so I don't want to drag things out longer than necessary. I didn't have the option of starting coverage on the day of my choice (I'd pick the date of my RE appointment, of course), only on the first of the month. I feel like I'm already wasting one-fourth of the first month's premium. But I won't dwell on that. 2009 will be the year I got pregnant. And, hopefully, it will also be the year of my first child's birth. It's going to be a very momentous year.

I almost forgot- Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah and Joyous Solstice! I'll wish y'all a special new year next week. Mustn't forget this week's holidays in anticipation of what I hope will be the biggest year of our lives.

Be well!

quietly muddling through December

I think I'm part of a noticeable trend in blog-land this month. Most of the blogs I follow have been very quiet lately, maybe as an after-effect of NaBloPoMo or maybe due to the hectic holiday season. Or perhaps, like me, many just have nothing of great import to say this month as we gear up for a new year and all the hope that a clean slate, or at least a fresh calendar, brings.

In spite of taking the month "off," TTC is still ever-present on my mind. I still poke a thermometer in my mouth before opening my eyes each morning. I P'dOAS today in anticipation of the +OPK I expect to see tomorrow. I'm observing my cycle this month to see if, in the absence of sperm, I revert to my old norm of 28 days. I ovulate very regularly, or at least I believe I do (never been monitored, so who really knows?) based on OPKs and BBT and CM, on the 15th or 16th day of each cycle. The extra days of my IUI cycles were during the luteal phase, which has me guessing that some kind of sperm-egg reaction took place each month. I take it as an indication that our timing was perfect, but either the resulting embie was non-viable or my uterus wasn't as welcoming as it should have been. I can't wait to hear what the RE has to say about my theories. Only 28 days until my appointment- hurray!

I'm still enjoying the perks of a month without TTC- the port is half gone and I enjoyed a beer at the office holiday party. Dark chocolate has become my nightly indulgence. Just a small bit, since I am also working on losing the pounds put on since our IF diagnosis in July. I haven't had sushi yet. For some reason, I keep forgetting about sushi. Maybe this weekend. I'm going to a concert tonight with my brother, who alo enjoys sushi, so I'll ask him if he'd like to have lunch with me on Saturday. If not, there's always take-out. I'll pick up a nice steak grinder for C and a lunch-box of sushi for myself. There's a good sub shop next-door to the sushi place.

That's all for today. I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful holiday season.

what's good about NOT TTC?

Well, for starters, there's chocolate. Dark chocolate. And port. I really like port. With chocolate. Dark chocolate. Taking a month off from TTC has allowed me to indulge in a couple of vices I would otherwise enjoy only rarely anyhow, but which I haven't had in about 14 months. I knew November's IUIs had not worked in time to buy a nice little bottle of port and a dark chocolate espresso beans candy bar for Thanksgiving. I like beer too... and I had a most fantastically delicious bottle of beer on Saturday night. I also drank a cup of highly caffeinated coffee last weekend that sent me loopy for a few hours, so I think I'll stay away from caffeine regardless of my procreative plans.


I don't know why, but the espresso bean laden dark chocolate didn't seem to have any affect on me, caffeine-wise.

I think that I will have sushi this weekend.

There is, I must admit, a silver lining to a break in TTC. Of course, I am incredibly antsy to get moving on the next step and it bothers me that January will start on about CD6 and my RE appointment isn't until CD13, so any early-cycle testing will have to wait until February. Which means I might not get to an IVF cycle until March, so even if we're successful on the first attempt, I may not hold my child until 2010. So, you see, I'd give up the port and the chocolate and the beer and the sushi if I could have not skipped this month. The silver lining is a bit tarnished, especially in comparison to the pot of gold I'm looking for.

But, ever the reluctant optimist, I will enjoy what I can during this break.

not trying is harder than trying

As much as TTC was constantly on my mind when we were either waiting for the +OPK or holding our breath during a TWW, it's even more in my thoughts during this cycle of "doing nothing." I was never a smoker, and I gave up caffeine over a year ago. I haven't had sushi since before I got married, and I am about to open my third bottle of 250-count daily vitamins. But suddenly, every morsel of food that passes my lips is prejudged for fertility value. Is this apple good for fertility, or should I be afraid of whatever pesticide residue didn't wash off? Should I be splurging on organic produce? I'm not drinking out of a nalgene bottle, having replaced it with an aluminum one, but the water cooler in my office stores water in plastic. Should I drink it? Should I stand further from the microwave when I heat up my lunch? Am I drinking enough FertiliTea? If I'm not P'ingOAS, shouldn't I be doing something?

So, I've decided that December is the month in which I will lose the 8 pounds I've gained since the SA that kicked off the medically enhanced portion of our quest. My gym membership will earn its keep this month. And I am hoping that regular exercise, including yoga and pilates (the gym has classes- hurray!), will become a routine part of my existence. We'll see. When depressed, it's hard to convince myself to work up a sweat.