Thursday, November 25, 2010

In the interest of moving things along...

My normal routine for the last 3+ months, since Charlotte began sleeping through the night from 7pm to 6am has been to pump just before going to bed around 9:30 or 10. Then, I'd get up at 4:45 and pump again, shower, and be well into my day when she wakes up in the morning. I read somewhere (I've no idea where exactly, nor whether it was a "reliable" source or just someone commenting on something) that ovulation might recommence when more than 6 hours pass between feedings/pumping sessions. On the off-chance that my 7-ish hour break wasn't sufficient to turn my body's rhythms back on, I've decided to skip the before-bed pumping. I was only getting 3-4 ounces at night anyhow, and I think I have about 6-weeks' supply (based on her current appetite for five 8-ounce meals per day) in the freezer at this point.

I need to get away from the thought that I should be caching away as much as I possibly can. If I can somehow coax my body into ovulating without stopping breastfeeding, I'll be a lot more confident about initiating Project Sibling. I'm worried now about cutting off breastfeeding and then wasting a lot of time not ovulating; possibly wasting a lot of money on additional insurance to cover IVF well before my body is ready to try again. It's difficult to balance the certainty of caring for Charlotte against the gamble of trying to conceive again. What if we succeed and the pregnancy is complicated and I can't care for Charlotte the way I should? What if we fail and ruin ourselves financially to no end? What if we succeed and the resulting child isn't perfectly healthy and we neglect Charlotte to take care of him or her?

Maybe Charlotte would be better off as an only child. I know that C and I could be happy with just one daughter to dote on. Our lives would be simpler with just the one child. Family vacations would be cheaper. There'd be no sibling rivalries to referee. But C and I both grew up with siblings who have become the people we most trust and rely on as adults. C and I are "old." We'll be eligible to join AA*RP before Charlotte's even in high school. I want her to have at least one sibling who will share her grief when C and I pass; who will be her biggest fan in whatever pursuits she tackles in life. And, because of the donor situation, I want her to have someone nearby who's in the same situation as she is, dealing with the same identity issues that might arise when she comes to understand her genetic background. I want her to have a full sibling so she doesn't feel alone or strange or different (no more so than the typical teen angst). I don't think I'm selfish for wanting to have another child, but sometimes I wonder.

In any case, we'll see if lengthening the overnight break from milking has any impact. Our plans are constantly evolving. When Charlotte was born, I intended to breastfeed for six months. Now, I'd like breastmilk to be her main source of nutrition until her first birthday. A lot can happen in a few months. We'll see.

1 comment:

IrishNYC said...

I always wanted 3 children. When it was taking forever to get even one, I decided I'd be happy with two. Now that we have one, I have to say, that at my age (39) I'm blessed to have her. If we ever by some miracle ended up with another, we'd be thrilled, but there is no way we're willing to undertake any more fertility treatments for another. I could not effectively take care of B while taking Clomid or any of the injectibles. It just wouldn't be fair to her.