the cat's partially out of the bag

I really don't recommend hosting a dinner party for 35 guests when you're 11 weeks pregnant, unless you get someone else to clean the house, make the food, set everything up, and do a little of the socializing. Saturday was exhausting, and I ended up sleeping through most of Sunday. Otherwise, it was a wonderful night. It was too warm for sweatshirts when guests began to arrive, and I couldn't wait until all were assembled to begin breaking the news, so we just told each person as they arrived. There were lots of hugs and congratulations and toasts. It felt so good to finally let people know, to share the joy with our families. Most of them have no clue what we went through to get here, but I think they understand what this means to us.

I haven't told anyone at work yet. I have no reason to wait, and no reason to tell. My mother, who works with me, has been unexpectedly quiet about the pregnancy. She even told me yesterday, "It's your secret to share." I didn't consider this so much a secret as a possibility, not quite definite and therefore not to be mentioned publicly. It's still somewhat unreal, and will likely remain so until I can feel life moving inside me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's NT scan with a little trepidation... we haven't seen or heard a heartbeat in 4 weeks, and there is the chance, however small, that something could have gone wrong. I'm not really tempted to rent a doppler so I can listen to Ishka on a daily basis, but the reassurance of a healthy scan will ease my mind considerably. The chances of miscarrying diminish each week, and will drop below 5% when we get into the second trimester, but my last glimpse of a healthy Ishka was at 8 weeks. No matter how you look at it, my eggs are old. Chromosomal problems are a legitimate concern.

I guess I'm more worried about it than I admitted to myself, and that's contributing to my reluctance to completely publicize this pregnancy. Maybe after tomorrow's scan I'll feel more confident. I might wear my "Due in March" sweatshirt to work on Friday.